im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
