I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I would ride that face into the sunset
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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