Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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