Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
