Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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