I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
