Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
