Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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