he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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