I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
