I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
