i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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