In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
