i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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