He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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