Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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