all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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