The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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