GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
