It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
