just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
