She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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