Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
