I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
