I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im holly from the hills drunk
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
