Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
