Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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