There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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