1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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