And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
