I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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