I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
