Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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