I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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