Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
