He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
