I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
