Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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