Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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