It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
