Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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