I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
honey bunches of taint.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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