he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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