I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
