Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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