I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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