I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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