I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
