if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
