a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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