You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
