my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
