ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize