I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
