Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
