You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
