i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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