if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
