Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
