Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
