John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
